


Buzzfeed Unsolved: Green hills

by Oneshot_bravo



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Sonic the Hedgehog (2020)
Genre: Gremlin pretends it can write, I apologize in advance, does it still count as crack if it’s unintentionally bad, i watched like two episodes before i started writing this, if it makes you feel any better i’m pretty sure everyone’s out of character, i’m so sorry buzzfeed unsolved fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:35:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23452567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oneshot_bravo/pseuds/Oneshot_bravo
Summary: In which Ryan and Shane investigate the source of a large blackout that happened recently.
Comments: 25
Kudos: 128





	Buzzfeed Unsolved: Green hills

“This is a bad idea.” Were the first words to come out of Ryan’s mouth.

“No it’s not.”

“Yes it absolutely is.” The nervous man turned to face his exponentially more relaxed partner looking out at the rural landscape of Montana and sighed. “Why’d we have to go after something so recent?”

“It’s not recent, it happened months ago.” Shane said, still looking out of the window.

“Yeah, well the stuff we usually do Unsolves on happened decades ago.” Ryan pointed out.

“Then it’s about time we do something new. Literally.” Was his unconcerned response.

A moment of silence passed before Ryan deadpanned. “You know buzzfeed can’t afford the ransom if we get kidnapped by terrorists, right?”

“We’ll be fine.” Shane said, flippantly waving off in Ryan’s general direction. “Like, it’s Montana. The only thing that’s blocking a terrorist from getting into Washington is a wall of potatoes.”

Ryan raised a finger, and then paused. “Did you just call Idaho a wall of potatoes?”

Shane shrugged. “Isn’t that what their state borders are made of?”

Ryan blankly stared before snickering. “What is a state? A miserable pile of spuds?”

Shane wheezed. “Now I’m just imagining, like, a dude just holding an emp in his mouth and swimming through a statewide potato ball pit to get to Washington.” Now the both of them were trying not to laugh.

“I like how even though we’re staying in Montana, the state that we’re roasting right now is Idaho.” Ryan managed to comment.

“That’s just because Montana’s just that forgettable.” Shane quipped back.

And all conversation for the rest of the trip just devolved into the duo making fun of northwestern America.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For being the source of one of the biggest blackouts in all of history, Green Hills was an unexpectedly small town. That fact was even noted in its motto.

It seemed to make up for its smallness with its weirdness. Yes, they’ve met quite a few...interesting people during their Unsolves (the one Ryan could think of off the top of his head was that voodoo lady), but all the residents acted strange.

For their first interview, they entered a local donut store, approached one of the townspeople and introduced themselves to what they assumed to be a baseball coach, if the kids in baseball uniforms with him were anything to go by.

The man was polite but wary when they gave him a bit of background of who they were and what they did. 

Then they mentioned the blackout.

Everyone, even the kids, in the shop stiffened. Then one of the shorter baseball players spoke.

“Oh, come  _ on _ , I said I was sorry-OOF!”

In a flurry of movement (and a flash of blue?), the boy was shoved under a table and the team practically barricaded said table from view. 

Ryan blinked. “Um, I think your team has a bullying problem.” The coach dumbly opened and closed his mouth before one of the older kids piped up.

“What? No! Sonnnn...” He anxiously looked at his teammates, one of them frantically shaking his head, before turning back towards the adults. “...nnny. Yeah, Sonny, likes being shoved under tables.” He finished with an anxious smile. One of the other members face palmed.

They all jolted when Sonny started to retort. “No I don’t! I-” One of the taller kids leaned under the table and frantically hissed at the kid (Shane caught the words ‘not from town’) before panickedly glancing back at the visiting duo. There was a moment of awkward silence. “I, uh, love being shoved under tables! It’s really comfortable, you should try it sometime.” Sonny finally exclaimed.

“Ah, kids these days.” The coach nervously laughed as he clapped a hand on the shoulders of both men and started walking them towards the door. “If you want to know more about the blackout you can ask the sheriff. Anywayhaveagoodday.” With that the duo was maneuvered out of the store and the door slammed shut behind them.

“Well that just happened.” Shane commented.

(Inside the shop, Coach Stewart slumped with his back against the door.

“You should definitely get going.” He said as Thorndyke helped Sonic from under the table while another kid apologized for pushing him there in the first place.

“Uh, where?” Sonic asked. The team looked at each other before Whipple snapped his finger.

“Oh, you know Uncle Wade, right?” The hedgehog nodded, gesturing for the kid to continue. “Maybe you can stay with him.”

“Oh, good idea! And I can tell Donutlord about this if he’s there too.” In a blur of blue, the hedgehog was gone, and everyone seemed to sigh in relief. Then the coach remembered something.

“Whipple, your uncle’s a cop, isn’t he?” The boy nodded in confusion.

It took a generous amount of Stewart’s willpower not to curse as he buried his face into his hands.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So. What did you think of our first interview?” Shane asked.

“Didn’t expect to see a ten year old getting hazed, but, uh-” Ryan paused and shrugged. “I guess that’s just Green Hills.”

“Yeah. Also I’m getting big ‘begone, ye outsiders’ vibes from this town.” Shane added.

“Really?” Ryan asked, raising an eyebrow. “Huh. Kinda sounds like the town in that one Lovecraft story.”

“Yeah? You think they’re trying to hide baby Cthulhu in this town or something?”

“Not everything about Lovecraft involves Cthulhu, Shane.” Ryan deadpanned.

“Yeah, but, like, do you?” Shane watched as the other man pursed his lips.

“I mean I guess it’s been a while since we’ve done a supernatural Unsolved.” Ryan said after careful consideration. He tilted his head at the police station. “Should we head in?”

Shane pulled the door open. “After you.”

(Inside, a woman caught sight of the two outsiders from the front desk. “Quick! Act natural!” She shouted to the cop on lunch break and his hedgehog companion.)

The duo walked in to see a mildly tense secretary. “How may I help you?” The lady asked.

“We were told to see the town sheriff about the blackout.” Shane said, shrugging.

The secretary shook her head. “I’m sorry, but Tom’s not here and Wade is on his lunch break.”

“Well, do you mind if we ask Wade about the blackout then?” Ryan asked.

“Um.” (‘Would it be too suspicious if I say no? Sonic’s probably gone already anyway.’) “Of course. He should be in the break room.” She said, getting up and guiding them.

The secretary then stiffened when she saw who the duo assumed was Wade trying to balance a pencil on a water bottle and a blue toy? sprawled out on a table.

“What are you doing?” She panickedly asked.

“Our best.” Wade simply responded, before noticing the two new faces. “Who are these guys?”

“Oh, they’re from  _ out of town _ and they want to know about  _ the blackout _ .” She hissed through gritted teeth.

The man blinked. “Oh.” He then turned and nervously looked at the blue toy (had its expression changed?), before looking back at Shane and Ryan. “ _ Oh _ . Um.”

Since the blackout seemed to be an uncomfortable topic for everyone in town, Ryan decided to start with an ice breaker instead. “So whose toy is that?” Ryan asked.

“He-” (the secretary frantically shook her head.) The man gulped. “I mean it’s, uh, mine.”

“Oh, really?” Ryan asked. “Yeah.” Wade continued, gathering the ‘toy’ into his arm (Both the ‘toy’ and the secretary were desperately trying not to shake as they couldn’t decide whether they wanted to laugh or cry). “He’s a gift from my boyfriend. Girlfriend. Crap.”

“Yes.” The secretary continued, her voice trembling for some reason. “It’s quite the romantic, but long distance relationship.” She drew the duo's attention and continued with the story.

(“Girlfriend?” Sonic mouthed, his shoulders shaking with repressed laughter.

“Just  _ go _ .” Wade mouthed back, opening the window and letting the hedgehog hop out.)

Shane then noticed the suddenly empty-handed cop standing next to a previously closed window. “Did you just throw your toy out?”

“Yepturnsoutmygirlfriendcheatedonmeanywayhowaboutthatblackout.” Wade said in a single breath while stiffly walking to them.

Shane and Ryan could only stare at the cop before sending each other a look (while the secretary desperately tried not to break down in the background).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“This town is definitely hiding something and everyone we’ve interviewed was definitely lying to us.” Ryan announced, only to receive a ‘no duh’ look from his partner.

“And the woods are the perfect place to find baby Cthulhus.” Shane added.

Ryan blinked. “Wait, what.” He watched as his partner proceeded to head towards aforementioned woods. “Are we seriously about to trespass again?” He asked.

“Yep. Are you coming?” Shane glibly shot back.

Ryan groaned, before stepping after the man. “Yes.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a dilapidated shack in the middle of the woods. Of course there was a dilapidated shack in the middle of the woods.

“ _ Finally _ , some affordable real estate.” And of course Shane would joke about it. 

“If you want slenderman to be your landlord, sure.” Ryan shot back. He then hesitated. “Should we head back?” He asked. And to his horror, Shane proceeded to answer the question by knocking on the door. 

(Blue ears pricked up as Sonic looked up at the sound. Beside him, Crazy Carl grumbled and stood up.)

“What are you doing?” Ryan hissed.

(“What are you doing?” Sonic asked, his eyebrows furrowing in concern as he watched the old man heft a chainsaw out of a pile of metal.

“Getting rid of the outsiders.” Carl muttered.)

The two men froze when they heard the sound of a chainsaw revving.

(The hedgehog quickly zipped in front of the human. “Woah, woah, woah! Maybe save that one for Friday the Thirteenth?”

Undeterred, the human marched towards the door. Sonic hastily scrambled over and pushed the off switch. Carl rolled his eyes, before turning and grabbing something off of a shelf.)

Silence. “Did you hear that?” Ryan nervously asked.

They both stiffened again at the sound of a gun being cocked.

(“ _ Um. _ ” Sonic edged away as Carl pressed a shotgun into his hands.

“Make sure you get ‘em in between the eyes.” He sternly said.

Wide green eyes stared at the weapon, before flicking back up to the human’s face. “How about  _ no _ ?” Sonic said, his voice three octaves higher than usual.

The man exasperatedly huffed as he plucked the gun out Sonic’s hands. “You devils are so picky with your weapons these days.”)

“IIIIIIII think this is the part we start sprinting in the opposite direction.” Ryan said.

(Sonic apprehensively hovered beside the man as he rummaged through a drawer. He then raised an eyebrow when Carl stood up and handed him a taser.

“This...feels redundant. Look, I’m just gonna go.” The hedgehog said, sighing as he walked towards the back door. He then paused, and backtracked to the fridge and opened it, a smirk spreading on his face as his eyes gravitated to a half eaten cake.

“And I’m gonna take this with me.”)

“BONZAI!”

That was the only warning the duo got before their faces were suddenly covered with frosting. Both of them were left sputtering and stumbling as a voice laughed at their sudden misfortune.

“That’s for trying to stalk me!” The voice announced between wheezes.

Ryan wiped the sugary mess out of his eyes. “If you think free cake is going to make us stop, you’re…” His quip trickled out when he noticed that the kid laughing at them was decidedly  _ not _ human. The creature’s laughter trickled out in response and a look of comical horror slowly dawned on his? face (ironic how the fastest thing alive forgot the part where he was supposed to  _ run _ away).

“Hey, aren’t you the cop guy’s doll or something?” Shane asked, casually eating the frosting he had wiped off. 

“If I say yes will you go away?” The creature asked.

Ryan tucked his head into his coat and screamed. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If there was one thing Sonic missed from back when he couldn’t read social cues, it was his immunity to awkward silence. Which he was pretty much suffocating in at the moment. ‘Come on, say  _ something _ Sonic _. _ ’ “I’m, uh, surprised you aren’t freaking out like that other guy.” ‘Terrible job, Sonic.’

Fortunately, the other guy didn’t seem to mind. “Oh, I am.”

Sonic blinked. “What?”

“My internal screaming is immense.” He replied, looking the hedgehog dead in the eye.

“Oh. Uh. Sorry?” Sonic said with a sheepish grin.

“Nah, it’s okay. I’m always internally screaming. Right now it’s just louder than normal.” The man said, shrugging. “Hey, Ryan, you good?” He shouted to his partner.

Ryan threw his hands to the sky. “SHANE, WHAT IN THE FU-”

Sonic flinched as hands suddenly covered his ears. “DUDE, STOP SWEARING IN FRONT OF THE TEN YEAR OLD!”

The blue blur quickly jerked himself out of the human’s reach with an offended expression. “Okay, first of all I’m thirteen, and second of all, I already know the fuck-word.”

He rolled his eyes as the man proceeded to dramatically gasp and marched over to his partner. “Now look what you’ve done. You’ve already corrupted the youth.” Shane scolded, gesturing to the unamused teen.

Not that the man seemed to notice. “God, what the  _ hell- _ ?” Ryan mumbled, his face buried in his coat.

“Ryan, we’re supposed to be questioning the townspeople, not heaven. Speaking of which,” Shane turned back to Sonic. “Hey, baby Cthulhu-” 

“I’m a hedgehog.”

“Close enough. Can we ask your parents if we can interview you?”

Sonic narrowed his eyes. “What do you need my parents for?”

“We legally can’t interview you without their consent.”

The hedgehog crossed his arms. “And if I say no?”

Shane amiably shrugged. “Fair enough. Do you mind if we still ask you some questions though? We won’t record anything, so don’t worry about being forced back into Area 51 or something.”

Sonic pursed his lips, looking for any trace of dishonesty in the man’s face. Finally, he shrugged to himself. “Okay, I guess.”

“Cool, cool. So, he’s Ryan,” The man jabbed a thumb at his partner’s general vicinity. “And I’m Shane.” He offered a hand to the blue hedgehog, who hesitated before taking it.

“I’m Sonic.”

Shane nodded. “Nice to meet you.” He looked up as his partner finally shuffled towards him. “So, Ryan, you wanna start us off with the first question?”

Ryan tiredly rubbed his face with his hands. “What even is my life?”

“No idea whatsoever.” Sonic brightly answered. “Next question?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So,” Shane started, idly tapping the car seat . “What did you think?”

“This entire trip feels like a fever dream.” Ryan groaned.

Shane hummed in acknowledgment. “Thought it was pretty cool to meet an alien with lightning powers. You think he knows who Pikachu is?”

“Ah, yes, because of course the blue hedgehog alien knows what Pokémon is.” Ryan deadpanned.

Shane shrugged. “I mean if he doesn’t, I do have an old gameboy lying around.” He then perked up and smacked a hand against his forehead. “Oh man, I should’ve asked him if he plays Pokémon Go.”

Ryan raised an eyebrow. “Seriously?”

“Hell yeah, he’d be absolutely  _ legendary _ at it. You gotta remind me to mention it next time we head there.”

Ryan openly gaped. “We’re gonna go back?!”

“Of course! I’m not gonna let a kid with that kinda miss out on the opportunity to be, the very best, like no one ever was~” Shane said, singing the latter part of the sentence before looking expectantly at Ryan.

Ryan shook his head and laughed in disbelief. “I-what even?” He took a deep breath, and slowly sighed. “To catch them is my real test, to train them is my cause~”

Shane whooped, and the both of them continued in unison. “I will travel across the land, searching far and wide~Teach Pokemon to understand, the power that's inside~”   
  


And so the duo left Green Hills, singing the Pokémon theme song.


End file.
